AN ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEIR ANGER; THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
Being angry in a relationship is a basic right. In the conventional ideal relationship, ideals that are mostly imposed on women, your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for the man mostly. Your outbursts are jammed down your throat by “declaring” that you’re crazy, insane. Then the anger is easily used against you to prove what an irrational person you are.
Abuse can make you feel stupid, insane and crazy.
You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
There are no easy answers. “But your partner is so mean”, I know but they’ve been good to me. “They do it because you don’t react”, but I react and assert myself many times. “Leave, you deserve better”, but I can’t. Their friends get involved, relatives get involved and make a sorry spectacle out of them, and you feel bad. You feel as if it was your fault and you should be more understanding.
Being in and out of relationships and seeing the relationship dynamics around me has made me realise that what people see is just what they believe. It is very easy and convenient for the people to label the “louder” one as the abuser or to victimise the woman or the “weaker looking”. Most relationships are destroyed because of unsolicited opinions and most abusive relationships survive because the “public” makes you look crazy otherwise.
The emotional trauma changes you as a person. It has long lasting effects. Often, survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. You need to say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the partner. I am innocent. Trauma is personal.
There’s a thin line between care and abuse, and there’s no official definition for it. Only the two people involved in the relationship have the right to define these things.
Emotional abuse is not limited to anger, it is also about the passive aggressive comments, checking phones, imposing trust issues and many things. What may be normal for you may aggravate your partner. So if your partner wants some privacy, trust them. Stop asking for passwords to “prove” their loyalty.
It is the little things that count.
(P.S. Without denying the presence of male emotional abuse, I personally believe that the number of women facing emotional abuse is higher, considering how easy it is to label a woman crazy and “feminazi” and insane. It is the females who have been taught to question their feelings and anger. If you have friends in a relationship, please stop asking the woman to “control her anger” because more often than not the “impressionable” mind of the partner starts believing that yes their partner is too dominant and starts victimising the self along with abusing the “angry one”)