The alarm goes off, you don’t want to get up. You sleep more for a while. Think about the things you “need to do” and get up anyway. You wear the same old clothes skip breakfast because you’re late, shut your mind off because your own thoughts distract you.
All you think about is getting back to your bed because you’re tired. Physically, maybe not. Sleeping for 12 hours doesn’t change anything but you haven’t been able to sleep for that long in so long. Maybe this is the worst kind of tired because all you want is to slip back to thoughtless pits where you don’t know what is happening.
But you keep looking for something to look forward to and nothing makes sense to you anymore because all the TV shows or books you liked don’t give you pleasure anymore and going out seems useless too. But there are times your friends say something and you smile but as soon as that moment passes, so does the happiness. Nothing changes.
People keep telling you how it could’ve been worse. So you think about the better things like that one person who loves you or how your parents are sometimes proud of you or how you’ll receive the shoes you ordered in a day. But these thoughts don’t make you feel any better because you’re numb. And this numbness is always translated to ungratefulness. “Such a bitch for not acknowledging her privilege and crying all the time”.
You feel worse for complaining ALL THE TIME. You always turn down invitations because you don’t want to make plans, always force your laughter, always attend enough number of events to make people believe you’re okay. But this doesn’t help because you didn’t CHOOSE to be sad. You wouldn’t choose to be unhappy and hopeless and so numb all the time.
You believe there is only one way to push the sadness away. Purpose, a successful relationship, money or friends. But you can’t find purpose of you’re in bed all the time. You can’t find love if you feel too worn out to meet new people. The sadness gives birth to more sadness and you’re stuck in the loop.
Maybe some day the sadness will go away, but I know. I know, it will always come back.