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Things that matter

Writing about anything and everything that matters to me.

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love

Slut #2

Somebody I recently met for the first time (but have been talking to for a while) asked me if my “hyper-sexual” attitude is due to the sexual abuse I faced as a child or because I was mistreated by some people I dated.
Now, I’ve realised that this query has been around for a very long time now. So here is the explanation for everything, the one nobody is entitled to.

1. I’m honestly sick of being called a “hyper-sexual”, “whore” or “slut”. I’m not fucking everybody and neither am I taking money for it, even if I am, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
2. I have been very open about many things and have always made sure I talk about things personally to make people around me comfortable. Honest dialogue sorrounding the “taboo” topics is my speciality and I’ll keep questioning, talking, commenting, shouting. I have never mentioned anything to people for sympathy because I don’t need your sympathy. But just because I talk about some traumatic things so casually, DO NOT ASSUME I’M OKAY WITH YOU TRYING TO “PSYCHOANALYSE” ME WITH YOUR MISINFORMED BRAIN.
3. My experiences are mine to talk about. If I’ve trusted you enough to share something personal with you, HAVE THE COURTESY TO NEVER USE IT AGAINST ME.
4. Just because I don’t point it out again and again, please don’t assume I’ve forgotten or it is okay for you to joke about it. Please take my polite protests seriously.

Everybody really needs to get a life of their own, TBH. I’m really done. I tried to argue with everybody who was being unreasonable, sexist or just plain rude but now I’m done. You people who stand in the name of “preserving Indian culture” and “purity and sanctity of women” by disrespecting somebody’s way of life fucking disgust me.
If anybody has a problem with what I say, do, write, click, post-then leave. You don’t have to meet me, or text me or call me, just to remind me that “hey Shaifila, you know I think maybe your past is the reason you fuck so much”
SERIOUSLY I DON’T HAVE SO MUCH SEX AND WHENEVER I DO, IT IS BECAUSE I ENJOY IT NOT BECAUSE I AM “SCREWED UP” SO FUCK YOU.
Nobody deserves an explanation for anything you do. I don’t need that negativity in my life. Last few days have made me realise how difficult it is for people to mind their own business 🙂
I use all platforms I have to speak about things that matter to me and Facebook is one of them. You have every right to disagree but not by insulting me. I’m up for ideological debates as long as you’re not saying stupid shit. If at any point of time my “Facebook activism” bothers you, you can unfollow me and not be a dick about it.

(Even though this is about “me”, if you’re one of mean ones who try to associate behaviours with trauma and be an asshole by asking for explanations, STOP. If this is happening to you, tell them to stop or do what I’m going to do ab se, PUNCH THEM. <3)

Parents wrong sometimes

My mother always keeps raving about how safe Gujarat is, especially Ahmedabad. This has always been her number one argument to why we have deadlines at home or why all of us should move to Ahmedabad. At some level even I believed that maybe Gujarat is safer than Delhi which is infamous for all the crimes, especially against women.
I visited my aunts and uncles (all in Gujarat) after around eleven years. Meeting my younger cousins, I had assumed that they have an amazing life here in Ahmedabad because they can all be out till 2 am without any issues (according to my mother). Loving the idea of partying with my cousins, I asked them about places in Ahmedabad they go to at night. Both my 23 year old sister and 16 year old sister told me that their parents don’t “allow” them to go out for such “useless” things.
More than safety, the concern is of the parental control in the lives of children. I have a strained relationship with my own parents because of this issue but the reason these people fail to actually talk about anything with their parents is the idea that every argument is “disrespectful”. I have always wondered why these conversations are avoided and why people don’t even consider this issue important enough to talk about.

1. Talk about toxic parenting. It is an issue and we’re raising rebels without a cause who have been emotionally manipulated from a young age. Believe it or not, these things shape the lives you lead.

2. Physical violence is not the only form of violence that demands attention. If parents use “love” as a weapon to silence the child, it is emotional abuse.

3. Stop making “obey your parents” a thing.

4. Freedom is a basic right, not a privilege that is “earned”.

5. If your child is old enough to vote, they’re old enough to make certain descions too.

6. Having constructive arguments at home is important.

7. Respect is not equal to full mindless submission.

8. The point is not to make the parent the bad one and make stupid life choices that damage your relationship with the world and them.

9. All “I hate my parents” are not teenage tantrums.

10. Hating your parents because they don’t accept your gender identity or sexual orientation or career decisions or anything, IS REAL AND ALRIGHT.

All said and done, don’t take your parents for granted. Love them and let them love you. But let’s make a conversation with your parents a normal thing where you can actually TALK.

Reminders

1. You deserve happiness. All of it.
2. All things are not your fault. Sometimes things don’t work out, some things aren’t meant to be, you’re allowed to make mistakes. Let it go.
3. You don’t need to fit in the societal ideal of beautiful to be beautiful. YOU are beautiful.
4. Don’t be somebody’s “pretty girl” because you’re so much more than just pretty.
5. Your radiance can light up the entire sky, believe me.
6. It is okay to let alcohol swim in your veins at 3 am while you’re sitting alone and wondering why you feel the way you do and why nothing seems to fill in the void in your heart. It is okay to scream and cry and throw things.
7. Sometimes, love will not last forever. Sometimes, the one you love will not love you back. Sometimes, the one that sets your soul on fire will be cold as ice. Sometimes, you will face rejection. Sometimes, you will see love fading away. It happens. But don’t let this stop you from loving. Love, proclaim your love, let love be there for you.
8. Do not romanticize the pain, the sadness and the loneliness. Don’t romanticize broken hearts. Don’t romanticize the feelings that let you destroy yourself for somebody else.
9. I know it is hard and sometimes seems to be impossible, but, love yourself. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what you’re currently feeling or how somebody you trusted and loved left and made you feel. Love yourself. Don’t bring others down to feel better about yourself.
10. It is okay to question your sexuality and gender. It is okay to not choose a “side”. It is okay to be yourself. Don’t let your genitals define you.
11. Be afraid but don’t let fear control you.
12. Tell your friends you love them. Because lovers come and go. Friends are there for you, forever.
13. Believe in yourself. You’ll be fine. You live your life. You don’t know what life is and what will happen in future and it is fine. You’ll be fine. Live your life enough to be sure that you’re living with no regrets. Kiss people. Try new things. Be dramatic. Do whatever you think will help you love and be yourself. Live.
~ 13 things I preach but wish to incorporate in my life.

Your relationship is not normal

AN ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEIR ANGER; THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
Being angry in a relationship is a basic right. In the conventional ideal relationship, ideals that are mostly imposed on women, your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for the man mostly. Your outbursts are jammed down your throat by “declaring” that you’re crazy, insane. Then the anger is easily used against you to prove what an irrational person you are.
Abuse can make you feel stupid, insane and crazy.
You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
There are no easy answers. “But your partner is so mean”, I know but they’ve been good to me. “They do it because you don’t react”, but I react and assert myself many times. “Leave, you deserve better”, but I can’t. Their friends get involved, relatives get involved and make a sorry spectacle out of them, and you feel bad. You feel as if it was your fault and you should be more understanding.
Being in and out of relationships and seeing the relationship dynamics around me has made me realise that what people see is just what they believe. It is very easy and convenient for the people to label the “louder” one as the abuser or to victimise the woman or the “weaker looking”. Most relationships are destroyed because of unsolicited opinions and most abusive relationships survive because the “public” makes you look crazy otherwise.
The emotional trauma changes you as a person. It has long lasting effects. Often, survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. You need to say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the partner. I am innocent. Trauma is personal.
There’s a thin line between care and abuse, and there’s no official definition for it. Only the two people involved in the relationship have the right to define these things.
Emotional abuse is not limited to anger, it is also about the passive aggressive comments, checking phones, imposing trust issues and many things. What may be normal for you may aggravate your partner. So if your partner wants some privacy, trust them. Stop asking for passwords to “prove” their loyalty.
It is the little things that count.

(P.S. Without denying the presence of male emotional abuse, I personally believe that the number of women facing emotional abuse is higher, considering how easy it is to label a woman crazy and “feminazi” and insane. It is the females who have been taught to question their feelings and anger. If you have friends in a relationship, please stop asking the woman to “control her anger” because more often than not the “impressionable” mind of the partner starts believing that yes their partner is too dominant and starts victimising the self along with abusing the “angry one”)

Heartbreak

For the one who asked me to explain *heartbreak*,

Now most of the days I’m okay.
I’m okay.
I’m tired.
But okay.
But then some days, I look at a pictures of us, or find the gifts, or the little letters and notes you gave me.
And then I forget about a million things that are wrong with the world and hundreds of things that are wrong with our lives and I miss being around you.
I’ve been trying so hard to let go of things and forget the way you made me feel, good and bad. I’m trying so hard to let your words and actions sink in since you’re in love and want me to move on.
But how can I forget that you hate the taste of old monk but would drink it anyway or how you dislike pastries but have them with her anyway or how much you love pizzas or how trying new things was never fun for you or how you told me that romance isn’t your forte. And that you tried.
And that i tried.
And now you’re so conveniently in love again.
But I saw an old photograph of us.
Your hands were wrapped around me and we were laughing. It was one of the few candids we have. We were laughing.
We were happy.
And it just hit me that there won’t be any more “Ziff let’s be candid” or metro PDA or random groping or people telling me how we’re #goals.
I won’t get to see you laugh at my animated complains about college.
Or see you roll your eyes at every stupid thing I say.
Or see the puppy brown eyes looking at me in the sunlight.
I won’t get to smile at you and say that I love you.
I won’t get to wake up to your random proclamations of love late at night.
And that it ended.
Everybody wants me to move on and get over it,
and I tried.
I really did.
But then, how do you let go of the memories and move on once you’ve been with someone who made you feel so special and worthless at the same time?

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