Things that matter

Writing about anything and everything that matters to me.



Slut #2

Somebody I recently met for the first time (but have been talking to for a while) asked me if my “hyper-sexual” attitude is due to the sexual abuse I faced as a child or because I was mistreated by some people I dated.
Now, I’ve realised that this query has been around for a very long time now. So here is the explanation for everything, the one nobody is entitled to.

1. I’m honestly sick of being called a “hyper-sexual”, “whore” or “slut”. I’m not fucking everybody and neither am I taking money for it, even if I am, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
2. I have been very open about many things and have always made sure I talk about things personally to make people around me comfortable. Honest dialogue sorrounding the “taboo” topics is my speciality and I’ll keep questioning, talking, commenting, shouting. I have never mentioned anything to people for sympathy because I don’t need your sympathy. But just because I talk about some traumatic things so casually, DO NOT ASSUME I’M OKAY WITH YOU TRYING TO “PSYCHOANALYSE” ME WITH YOUR MISINFORMED BRAIN.
3. My experiences are mine to talk about. If I’ve trusted you enough to share something personal with you, HAVE THE COURTESY TO NEVER USE IT AGAINST ME.
4. Just because I don’t point it out again and again, please don’t assume I’ve forgotten or it is okay for you to joke about it. Please take my polite protests seriously.

Everybody really needs to get a life of their own, TBH. I’m really done. I tried to argue with everybody who was being unreasonable, sexist or just plain rude but now I’m done. You people who stand in the name of “preserving Indian culture” and “purity and sanctity of women” by disrespecting somebody’s way of life fucking disgust me.
If anybody has a problem with what I say, do, write, click, post-then leave. You don’t have to meet me, or text me or call me, just to remind me that “hey Shaifila, you know I think maybe your past is the reason you fuck so much”
Nobody deserves an explanation for anything you do. I don’t need that negativity in my life. Last few days have made me realise how difficult it is for people to mind their own business 🙂
I use all platforms I have to speak about things that matter to me and Facebook is one of them. You have every right to disagree but not by insulting me. I’m up for ideological debates as long as you’re not saying stupid shit. If at any point of time my “Facebook activism” bothers you, you can unfollow me and not be a dick about it.

(Even though this is about “me”, if you’re one of mean ones who try to associate behaviours with trauma and be an asshole by asking for explanations, STOP. If this is happening to you, tell them to stop or do what I’m going to do ab se, PUNCH THEM. <3)



1. When I was 6, I took part in some competition and the photographer for the same was asked to prepare a portfolio. While changing my clothes, he pressed my chest area and told me to call them booboos.
2. When I was 10, while playing in the park, a random man came and told me I look sexy and that he watches me every day there.
3. When I was 11, a friend’s elder brother wanted to play “rape games” as a part of the chor police regime. The idea was to have a woman grabbed and pushed till the good cop comes and saves her.
4. When I was 13, my “boyfriend” thought it was his right to shove his tongue down my throat so I can have my first “kiss”.
5. When I was 16, a man in the metro stood way too close and sang “tere masst masst do nain”. I freaked out and deboarded. He followed me till I reached home.
6. When I was 18, a date thought my opinions were a turn off and if I shut up and listen to him, my life would be better. To prove his point, he thought “choking” me while making out would be hot even when asked to stop.
7. When I was 19, a man in the very crowded blue line metro pressed his erect penis against my butt. When asked to move he apologized and moved a little. After five minutes, his hand slid up to my front and he groped me. Whatever happened after that, three people asked me why I was in the general coach and not the reserved one.
8. Same year, while in a new city, an auto wala took me to a random street and was masturbating while driving. Once I realised this, I asked him to stop, left the area but realized that he was following me.
9. Last week, while sitting in central park, a random man walked up and told me I look hot. And I was scared. Not flattered, scared.

All these incidents are real.
I haven’t even included the daily stares or the comment karna or whistling.
I haven’t included the horrific incidents I’ve heard from my friends and family.
I haven’t exaggerated anything.
I haven’t included the blatant sexism or the online harassment I’ve dealt with.

The point of listing all these is definitely not being the “victim”. I want you all to understand that when somebody is talking about harassment, it isn’t a joke. I remember all of these and so many other things VERY clearly. So when I say they scar people forever, they really do.
Since this justification was oh so important for most of the ignorant people who were shouting about “not all men”, here. I don’t care if all men aren’t rapists or sexists. I really don’t care. Because THAT IS NOT THE POINT. But you need to get out of your privilege bubble and LISTEN to people who are talking about these things.
The fear is real.
Just like most of the incidents.



(P.S. I urge all women to talk about their experiences out loud because you deserve to be heard. I understand talking is not the only solution but it is a start. Also, anybody who wants to share or discuss this not online but with somebody, I am here to listen. 🙂
And please don’t ask me what I did to “save” myself later or what happened in most of these cases. Thank you.)

Parents wrong sometimes

My mother always keeps raving about how safe Gujarat is, especially Ahmedabad. This has always been her number one argument to why we have deadlines at home or why all of us should move to Ahmedabad. At some level even I believed that maybe Gujarat is safer than Delhi which is infamous for all the crimes, especially against women.
I visited my aunts and uncles (all in Gujarat) after around eleven years. Meeting my younger cousins, I had assumed that they have an amazing life here in Ahmedabad because they can all be out till 2 am without any issues (according to my mother). Loving the idea of partying with my cousins, I asked them about places in Ahmedabad they go to at night. Both my 23 year old sister and 16 year old sister told me that their parents don’t “allow” them to go out for such “useless” things.
More than safety, the concern is of the parental control in the lives of children. I have a strained relationship with my own parents because of this issue but the reason these people fail to actually talk about anything with their parents is the idea that every argument is “disrespectful”. I have always wondered why these conversations are avoided and why people don’t even consider this issue important enough to talk about.

1. Talk about toxic parenting. It is an issue and we’re raising rebels without a cause who have been emotionally manipulated from a young age. Believe it or not, these things shape the lives you lead.

2. Physical violence is not the only form of violence that demands attention. If parents use “love” as a weapon to silence the child, it is emotional abuse.

3. Stop making “obey your parents” a thing.

4. Freedom is a basic right, not a privilege that is “earned”.

5. If your child is old enough to vote, they’re old enough to make certain descions too.

6. Having constructive arguments at home is important.

7. Respect is not equal to full mindless submission.

8. The point is not to make the parent the bad one and make stupid life choices that damage your relationship with the world and them.

9. All “I hate my parents” are not teenage tantrums.

10. Hating your parents because they don’t accept your gender identity or sexual orientation or career decisions or anything, IS REAL AND ALRIGHT.

All said and done, don’t take your parents for granted. Love them and let them love you. But let’s make a conversation with your parents a normal thing where you can actually TALK.


1. You deserve happiness. All of it.
2. All things are not your fault. Sometimes things don’t work out, some things aren’t meant to be, you’re allowed to make mistakes. Let it go.
3. You don’t need to fit in the societal ideal of beautiful to be beautiful. YOU are beautiful.
4. Don’t be somebody’s “pretty girl” because you’re so much more than just pretty.
5. Your radiance can light up the entire sky, believe me.
6. It is okay to let alcohol swim in your veins at 3 am while you’re sitting alone and wondering why you feel the way you do and why nothing seems to fill in the void in your heart. It is okay to scream and cry and throw things.
7. Sometimes, love will not last forever. Sometimes, the one you love will not love you back. Sometimes, the one that sets your soul on fire will be cold as ice. Sometimes, you will face rejection. Sometimes, you will see love fading away. It happens. But don’t let this stop you from loving. Love, proclaim your love, let love be there for you.
8. Do not romanticize the pain, the sadness and the loneliness. Don’t romanticize broken hearts. Don’t romanticize the feelings that let you destroy yourself for somebody else.
9. I know it is hard and sometimes seems to be impossible, but, love yourself. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what you’re currently feeling or how somebody you trusted and loved left and made you feel. Love yourself. Don’t bring others down to feel better about yourself.
10. It is okay to question your sexuality and gender. It is okay to not choose a “side”. It is okay to be yourself. Don’t let your genitals define you.
11. Be afraid but don’t let fear control you.
12. Tell your friends you love them. Because lovers come and go. Friends are there for you, forever.
13. Believe in yourself. You’ll be fine. You live your life. You don’t know what life is and what will happen in future and it is fine. You’ll be fine. Live your life enough to be sure that you’re living with no regrets. Kiss people. Try new things. Be dramatic. Do whatever you think will help you love and be yourself. Live.
~ 13 things I preach but wish to incorporate in my life.


The alarm goes off, you don’t want to get up. You sleep more for a while. Think about the things you “need to do” and get up anyway. You wear the same old clothes skip breakfast because you’re late, shut your mind off because your own thoughts distract you.
All you think about is getting back to your bed because you’re tired. Physically, maybe not. Sleeping for 12 hours doesn’t change anything but you haven’t been able to sleep for that long in so long. Maybe this is the worst kind of tired because all you want is to slip back to thoughtless pits where you don’t know what is happening.
But you keep looking for something to look forward to and nothing makes sense to you anymore because all the TV shows or books you liked don’t give you pleasure anymore and going out seems useless too. But there are times your friends say something and you smile but as soon as that moment passes, so does the happiness. Nothing changes.
People keep telling you how it could’ve been worse. So you think about the better things like that one person who loves you or how your parents are sometimes proud of you or how you’ll receive the shoes you ordered in a day. But these thoughts don’t make you feel any better because you’re numb. And this numbness is always translated to ungratefulness. “Such a bitch for not acknowledging her privilege and crying all the time”.

You feel worse for complaining ALL THE TIME. You always turn down invitations because you don’t want to make plans, always force your laughter, always attend enough number of events to make people believe you’re okay. But this doesn’t help because you didn’t CHOOSE to be sad. You wouldn’t choose to be unhappy and hopeless and so numb all the time.
You believe there is only one way to push the sadness away. Purpose, a successful relationship, money or friends. But you can’t find purpose of you’re in bed all the time. You can’t find love if you feel too worn out to meet new people. The sadness gives birth to more sadness and you’re stuck in the loop.
Maybe some day the sadness will go away, but I know. I know, it will always come back.

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