Things that matter

Writing about anything and everything that matters to me.

Your relationship is not normal

Being angry in a relationship is a basic right. In the conventional ideal relationship, ideals that are mostly imposed on women, your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for the man mostly. Your outbursts are jammed down your throat by “declaring” that you’re crazy, insane. Then the anger is easily used against you to prove what an irrational person you are.
Abuse can make you feel stupid, insane and crazy.
You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
There are no easy answers. “But your partner is so mean”, I know but they’ve been good to me. “They do it because you don’t react”, but I react and assert myself many times. “Leave, you deserve better”, but I can’t. Their friends get involved, relatives get involved and make a sorry spectacle out of them, and you feel bad. You feel as if it was your fault and you should be more understanding.
Being in and out of relationships and seeing the relationship dynamics around me has made me realise that what people see is just what they believe. It is very easy and convenient for the people to label the “louder” one as the abuser or to victimise the woman or the “weaker looking”. Most relationships are destroyed because of unsolicited opinions and most abusive relationships survive because the “public” makes you look crazy otherwise.
The emotional trauma changes you as a person. It has long lasting effects. Often, survivors have had their experiences denied, trivialized, or distorted. You need to say: This did happen to me. It was that bad. It was the fault & responsibility of the partner. I am innocent. Trauma is personal.
There’s a thin line between care and abuse, and there’s no official definition for it. Only the two people involved in the relationship have the right to define these things.
Emotional abuse is not limited to anger, it is also about the passive aggressive comments, checking phones, imposing trust issues and many things. What may be normal for you may aggravate your partner. So if your partner wants some privacy, trust them. Stop asking for passwords to “prove” their loyalty.
It is the little things that count.

(P.S. Without denying the presence of male emotional abuse, I personally believe that the number of women facing emotional abuse is higher, considering how easy it is to label a woman crazy and “feminazi” and insane. It is the females who have been taught to question their feelings and anger. If you have friends in a relationship, please stop asking the woman to “control her anger” because more often than not the “impressionable” mind of the partner starts believing that yes their partner is too dominant and starts victimising the self along with abusing the “angry one”)


Life beyond Delhi University


Class twelfth board exams are one of the most important milestones of any student’s life. There’s a sadness of leaving the comfort of school and the excitement of going to a new college and experiencing the freedom. But who knew getting into a college was so difficult! With the average percentage increasing to 90s and so many students,securing a seat in a college with good faculty and affordable fees is difficult. Till I actually got my (comparatively terrible) class 12 result, I had no idea about other colleges.

Most of us dream of getting in any of the north campus colleges because of the reputation and ongoing media attention the Delhi University receives. But with cutoffs as high as 95 and less number of seats,it is no piece of cake. In the glamour that DU receives,we forget about some other colleges in Delhi that have the same facilities as DU has. Life doesn’t end at one university’s list. We might be disappointed by our marks or how just a few marks disqualify us for an admission this year,but trust me,there are other universities too. Some of the popular universities are:

  1. Jamia Millia Islamia

I am a student of this university so I can assure that the faculty is good. The campus is also spacious and green. It is a central university,just like DU so the quality of education is similar. Even after being as good as one of the most popular universities,not many people prefer to go here due to the belief that it is a Muslim university. It isn’t,we have a diverse lot of students and faculties. The university offers undergraduate courses in languages,psychology,sciences,social science,hotel management,dentistry,law and B.Tech.  At the end of the day,there is no religious bias and there are many cultural and social events to participate in. Just no media glamour. Admission is based on an entrance exam,so even if you couldn’t score in class 12,you have a chance.

  1. B.R. Ambedkar University

You can also try the new upcoming university such as B.R. Ambedkar University. The B.R. Ambedkar University offers specialized courses in the arts and social sciences such as English, psychology, economics and history. This university also allows students to appear for the campus placement after completion of their degree. From what I have heard,the faculty is good and since it a government university,fees is less too. Admissions are on the basis of class 12 marks and forms can be filled online.


If you’re looking profession courses at undergraduate levelGGSIP University is a good option. It  offers plenty of technical and professional courses, including BTech, Bachelor degree in Business Admistration, computer applications, fashion and apparel design , physiotherapy, medical laboratory technology and nursing. It is famous for its law courses. IP University admits students on the basis of Commom Entrance Test (CET) by the University for almost all the programmes.

  1. JNU

Another central university which is very popular for its postgraduate courses is JNU. However,not many people are aware that it is a school of language and cultural studies. It offers BA program and honors courses in foreign languages such as Chinese, Spanish, Korean, French, Turkish and Japanese.


These are some of the government/semi government universities which have all the facilities and the fees is also reasonable.

Otherwise there are always private universities like Amity and Sharda University which have all the courses and are popular too.

Whichever college you go to,all you need to remember is that it doesn’t matter where you study. It is about you and your dedication. Choose your college course wisely and whatever you choose,make sure you like it and put in your best efforts.

Have I eaten too much?

‘You look anorexic!’ Is not really a compliment but used so often for somebody who looks very thin. You may have tried dieting or maybe you lose all control when you see gulab jaamuns, is this enough to believe that you have an eating disorder? Well, no.

Eating disorders are characterized by ‘severe disturbance in the eating pattern’. There are around ten million women and one million men who have eating disorders.We can see that the number of female patients is significantly higher than the male patients because of obvious societal norms of beauty that we tend to follow. But this article isn’t about sexism, it is about two of the eating disorders that are prevalent and rising at an alarming rate. Both Anorexia nervosa and Bulimia nervosa cause an ‘intense fear of becoming fat and/or overweight’

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM) is the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals in the United States. This manual has been used to list out the symptoms.

  • Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia nervosa literally means ‘lack of appetite induced by nervousness’. People suffering from anorexia deny that they have lost significant amount of weight,they do know that they’re losing weight and are secretly proud of it but for others they conceal it. They will wear baggy clothes,drink a lot of water to show higher weight and if people ask them anything,they will simply deny everything. Generally affects people aged 15-19.

According to DSM IV, anorexia is diagnosed if these symptoms are found:

  • Refusal to maintain a body weight that is normal for the person’s age and height. (i.e. reduction of body weight to about 85% of what would normally be expected)
  • Distorted perception of body and size.
  • Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat even when they are underweight.
  • Absence of at least three consecutive menstrual periods. (Diminished sexual appetite for men)


There are two types of anorexia,i.e. two ways in which the patients maintain low body weight.

  1. Restricting type anorexia:

The person limits their calorie intake and control their diets. If they are in a social setting,they might throw the food secretly to make people believe that they’re eating ‘normally’.

  1. Binging/Purging type anorexia:

The person eats as much as they want to, consume food without limits (binge) and then remove it from their bodies so the calories don’t affect them (purge). The method of removal could be self induced vomiting, usage of laxatives etc.

If not paid attention to, people suffering from anorexia may suffer from brain atrophy or commit suicide eventually due to lack of purpose. People suffering from anorexia may be unaware too,but mostly they are in denial.

Anorexia is one of the most lethal psychological disorders. The people generally look ‘unwell’, their nails and hair goes brittle, skin gets dry and pale and they also have low blood pressure.

Causes of death of anorexic people include heart arrhythmias (irregular heartbeat), low potassium count, kidney failure and renal failure.

Most of us ignore anorexia and presume it is ‘just a phase’ but it isn’t. It not only results in a painful death but also a life where the person is constantly dissatisfied with themselves. We need to look around for the signs and help them.


  • Bulimia Nervosa:

Bulimia generally involves people binge eat. This means, they have hunger of large proportions and they eat on and on. This looks similar to purging type anorexia but it is different as patients may not be underweight. Both anorexia and bulimia cause the fear of ‘fat’. Bulimia is generally diagnosed in people aged 20-24.

According to DSM IV, bulimia is diagnosed if these symptoms are seen:

  • Eating in a fixed period of time,amounts of food that are far greater than anyone might eat under normal circumstances. Lack of control on the amount of food consumed. Unable to stop.
  • Recurrent and inappropriate efforts to compensate for the effects of binge eating. (Self induced vomiting,laxatives,excessive exercising)
  • Self evaluation excessively influenced by weight and shape.

People suffering from bulimia are generally average weight or even over weight at times. The beginning of bulimia is when person starts dieting,they restrict themselves and make sure they eat low calorie food. But this resolution soon erodes, they not only start eating the ‘forbidden foods’ (soft drinks, sweets, fried food etc) but also eat in huge amounts. They may consume as much as 5000 calories in a day. (Johnson et all. 1982). To compensate for this,they either;

  1. Purge (Purging type bulimia)

This happens in 80% of the cases.


  1. Don’t purge (Non-purging type bulimia)

They fast or go on crash diets or exercise excessively.


People suffering from bulimia are aware of their condition. They know that there’s something ‘wrong’ with them. But they can’t stop themselves. There is a feeling of helplessness,shame and guilt. Bulimia is not as lethal as anorexia. Physical problems include Hypokalmia (less potassium), calluses on the hands,mouth ulcers,swollen salivary glands and puffy cheeks.

Since people who have bulimia nervosa are aware of their condition,it is easy to see if somebody around you is suffering. Even though bulimia doesn’t often result in death,we can’t deny that it is a serious condition. Their self deprecating attitude makes them feel worse about themselves and we all know how difficult it is to live like that.


  • Causes of eating disorders :
  1. Genetics:

Surprisingly enough, eating disorders can be inherited or be a part of your genetic makeup. According to several studies, relatives of people suffering from anorexia have 11.4% higher risk of developing an eating disorder. Relatives of people suffering from bulimia have 3.7% higher risk.

  1. Serotonin levels:

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that affects our behavior and controls obsessionality, mood patterns and impulsivity. Eating disorders may be caused if serotonin levels are disrupted.

  1. Peers and media influence:

The magazines since 1960s have promoted thinness as the beauty ideal this has affected the general perception of people towards the society as well as themselves. To prove this effect, Becker conducted a study in Fiji. In Fiji, fat was equal to good. After they got the facility of televisions,they started watching shows like 90210, Beverly Hills and ‘realized’ that the western concept of beauty was pressurizing thinness. So they started dieting and exercising. All of us have been in this position. So we cannot deny that yes,this is true.

  1. Family:

‘Dysfunctional families’ are the cause for 1/3 Anorexic patients. According to Strober (1997) rigid,overprotective parents or parents who believe in the thin ideal are the reason for eating disorders,mainly anorexia. In 1997, Fairburn concluded that bulimia was generally the result of ‘appearance anxiety’.


After looking at all the causes, the only one we can control is the media peer influence. There has been a recent increase in campaigns that promote ‘self love’ and propagate the idea that being yourself is beautiful not just being thin. There are also ads that show how every body and everybody is beautiful.

But can we just blame the society? A thin loving society is not the only reason for disorders. Had that been the case,all of us should have some eating disorder. It is people who internalize the thin ideal and believe that thin is attractive who suffer. Dieting,body dissatisfaction and perfectionism are the major propagators of eating disorders.

So, love yourself. Be healthy; enjoy your life as it is. You don’t have to be thin, or fat or voluptuous. You don’t need to fit in the society. While we blame the society, we need to realize that we are the society, let’s not judge so quickly. Be happy and let others be happy.







For the one who asked me to explain *heartbreak*,

Now most of the days I’m okay.
I’m okay.
I’m tired.
But okay.
But then some days, I look at a pictures of us, or find the gifts, or the little letters and notes you gave me.
And then I forget about a million things that are wrong with the world and hundreds of things that are wrong with our lives and I miss being around you.
I’ve been trying so hard to let go of things and forget the way you made me feel, good and bad. I’m trying so hard to let your words and actions sink in since you’re in love and want me to move on.
But how can I forget that you hate the taste of old monk but would drink it anyway or how you dislike pastries but have them with her anyway or how much you love pizzas or how trying new things was never fun for you or how you told me that romance isn’t your forte. And that you tried.
And that i tried.
And now you’re so conveniently in love again.
But I saw an old photograph of us.
Your hands were wrapped around me and we were laughing. It was one of the few candids we have. We were laughing.
We were happy.
And it just hit me that there won’t be any more “Ziff let’s be candid” or metro PDA or random groping or people telling me how we’re #goals.
I won’t get to see you laugh at my animated complains about college.
Or see you roll your eyes at every stupid thing I say.
Or see the puppy brown eyes looking at me in the sunlight.
I won’t get to smile at you and say that I love you.
I won’t get to wake up to your random proclamations of love late at night.
And that it ended.
Everybody wants me to move on and get over it,
and I tried.
I really did.
But then, how do you let go of the memories and move on once you’ve been with someone who made you feel so special and worthless at the same time?

Obsessive and Compulsive

I was watching ‘Monk’ with my sister. This TV show is about a detective who has OCD and brilliant observation skills that make him one of the best detectives in town. While watching the show there was a particular scene where they showed how Adrian Monk always liked his things in an order and hated mess and was basically very organised. He couldn’t stand a sofa being slightly out-of-place and couldn’t concentrate on anything else. My sister,who is just ten thought that this is what she does to. “I think I have OCD too!” And as she said this,as if to prove her point,she set the pillows in an order. I obviously decided to ignore her because she is just ten and thinks OCD will make her smart,just like Monk. But it got me thinking. There are so many of us who think a simple obsession or maybe some random compulsive act qualifies us as an OCD patient. Sadly, we have started using a real problem which needs attention to something as simple as low grade fever.

Obsessive compulsive disorder or, OCD can be defined as an “occurrence of unwanted and intrusive obsessive thoughts or distressing images; these are usually accompanied by compulsive behaviors performed to neutralize the obsessive thoughts or images or to prevent some dreaded event or situation”. Pretty confusing,yes. Let us try to understand it better.

According to the DSM, OCD can be diagnosed if:

  1. Either obsession or compulsion
  • Obsessions (All four)
  1. i) Recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses or images that are experienced at some time as intrusive and cause marked anxiety.
  2. ii) Thoughts,impulses or images that are not simply excessive worries about real life problems.

iii) Person attempts to ignore or suppress or neutralise them with some other thought or action.

  1. iv) Person reorganises they are a product of his or her mind.


  • Compulsions (Both)
  1. i) Repetitive behaviours (Hand washing,ordering,checking) or mental acts (praying,counting etc.) the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession and according to rigid rules.
  2. ii) Behaviours or mental acts aimed at preventing or reducing distress or situation.


  1. At least at some point,person recognises the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable.
  2. Obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time-consuming (more than 1 hour) or interfere significantly with normal functioning.


All of us have minor obsessive thoughts,like doubts about the door lock or maybe we left the stove on. These thoughts occur and we generally forget about them and move on. But in OCD, such thoughts are excessive and persistent (often distressing). Other types of obsessions include,

  • Fear of contamination
  • Fear of harming self or others.
  • Pathological doubt
  • Need for symmetry
  • Sexual obsession etc.

Compulsion refers to a need to perform acts repeatedly that often seem pointless and absurd even to them. It can be

  • Cleaning
  • Checking
  • Arranging
  • Counting etc.

Eg: Monk has a habit of touching every even lamppost. He cannot not touch a lamppost that is on the even-numbered position. (In a row,he would touch the second,fourth and so on).


Just like there are many things that are unique to an individual, OCD also has unique differences depending upon the individual. However, there are certain characteristics that are consistent. They are:

1) Anxiety is the affective symptom.

2) Compulsions reduce the anxiety temporarily.

3) Nearly all people afflicted with OCD fear that something will happen to them or others because of them. They tend to judge risk unrealistically (Important feature of OCD),this is why it is also called the ‘what if’ disease sometimes.


Yes,OCD is a lot more than ‘I am neat and organised’ or ‘I wash hands a lot’. It is an anxiety disorder which more prevalent in divorced,separated and unemployed people (Monk is a widower). Such a pattern is seen because of the sudden change in schedule and interpersonal and occupational functioning. There is also an increased amount of difficulties that one has to face. But OCD is not uncommon in late adolescence or early adulthood, the symptoms are similar. It is also seen that OCD is more common in males.

It is a chronic anxiety disorder but the severity of the symptoms waxes and wanes. It co-occurs with some other anxiety disorders like depression (80% of clients have significant depressive symptoms). Depression is a response to OCD. Other anxiety disorders that are seen are: social phobia, panic disorders, Post Traumatic stress disorder.



While OCD may be seen as a very crippling disorder, it is not untreatable.

Many people think medicines are effective treatment. They affect the neurotransmitter serotonin. Medicines like Prozac and Clomipramine appear to reduce the intensity of the symptoms. The effect varies but sadly 30-50% people show no significant improvement. A major disadvantage of medicinal treatment for any anxiety disorder, including OCD, is that when the medication is discontinued, there is a high chance of relapse. Thus, this medication may have to continue indefinitely.

There is also behavioural treatment that combines exposure and response prevention,which is one of the most effective treatments for OCD. The clients are repeatedly exposed to the stimuli that provokes their obsession (for someone with compulsive washing, making them touch dirty shoes) and then preventing them from engaging in their compulsive rituals, which they ordinarily would engage in to reduce the anxiety provoked by their obsessions. Prevention of compulsion is necessary because then they will realise that their anxiety will dissipate slowly if they give it time. The results are considered to be superior than medications.

One recent study shows that a combined treatment (which includes the above mentioned methods) is most effective for children and adolescents suffering from OCD.


It is clear that OCD is a lot more than wanting to organise everything but it is not as simple as some random thing that will treat itself. As outsiders,we cannot judge or imagine the dilemma and anxiety that people suffer when they have OCD. It is high time that we help them by letting them know that it is alright. Let’s be more compassionate and, definitely stop using OCD as an everyday phrase.


Do you believe in what you don’t see?


“Auras are like a signature, each as individual as the person they surround”

~Gina Allan

Have you ever seen somebody and instinctively felt positive in their presence? Or maybe that time when somebody stands too close to you and you feel like they are in “your space”? Some people explain this “feeling” or the idea of energy around each object, person and/or place as “Aura”.

Probably one of the most debated topics, the presence of aura can not be seen but felt. Auras are always associated with people. We even use them to describe people: “He has a glow,” or “She has an aura of power around her”. But in fact all living things generate this field of energy. When associated to a person, the aura provides insight into the spiritual, emotional and physical aspects of the individual.

The concept behind auras is that everything generates a magnetic field of energy around them, this field defines you, your thoughts and your beliefs. Aura comes from the Greek word for breeze and has only a few empirical studies in its favour.

“The aura is claimed to be a glowing field surrounding a human being that is undetectable, except by gifted psychics. By interpreting the aura of an individual, one is said to be able to deduce personality, health, and present emotions” (Randi 1995). It is defined as, “vital force [that] spills beyond the perimeters of the skin into the atmosphere to create an energy field, or aura, which provides a great deal of information about the nature and functioning of human beings” (Pierrakos 2005, 18). The aura can be viewed as a visual representation of the soul. It is a complex system every aura is distinctly different and changes over time. Apparently, they have colours that depict certain emotions, that are common to all of us, such as red for anger, pink for love and green for envy etc.

But will the sceptic in you ever allow the belief in aura? I don’t believe in God much, neither do I believe in predestination; yet, there is a part of me that believes in the “vibes”, aka, the aura. I am sure you have heard the phrase “your vibe attracts your tribe” and you might have noticed that even though the belief is that opposites attract, most of your friends and acquaintances do have the same ideologies as you.

Sensing auras is what we do every time we meet somebody new; through feeling and knowing, like trusting your gut instincts about someone or something. Everybody does this on a day to day basis through normal social interaction. You sense somebody’s anger, fear, love and compassion. These are all easily identifiable and this is all part of your ability to sense auras. These feelings and intuitions are a result of another persons energy passing through yours. From feelings to energies, aura comprises of so many things. There are certain images and associations your mind makes whenever you see somebody new and this is what makes you connected to that person.

So many misconceptions and superstitions have obviously contaminated the simple and succinct concept of auras but it is just the simple presence of energy around somebody produced by your thoughts. Every time I have had negative thoughts my mother has asked me to think positively, and somehow it does work. What I feel changes so many things around me. Maybe it is the idea that optimistic thoughts make you positive and thus more productive or maybe all this was just a coincidence; yet nothing explains the sudden “click” you feel with somebody or the inexplicable hatred.

For me, your aura is the first thing I feel and our relationship will be defined by it. Seeing is not always believing.

It works for me! Let me know what you think! 🙂

Women and Islam

My recently published article on the ‘unslut project’ blog.

Body Image and Self Esteem

The contempary society gives a lot of importance to appearances. Looks,outward appearance,clothes,body size and all the peripheral things hold so much of importance in this day and age that it affects each one of us,knowingly or unknowingly. Since birth we see beauty ideals on TV and in our toys and thus start considering it as ‘normal’. For example,take Barbies. Many young girls believe that every normal girl looks like the doll,that one needs to have that figure and perfect skin. However,this development is natural and these perceptions are formed unknowingly.
How many of us have complained about our size? Looked at the mirror and seen a fat ugly person stare right back at us? At least I have. I have always been a fat kid. It was cute till I was 13 and later made me realize that people either felt sorry for me or had a problem with my size. I was fat but not unhealthy. Somehow my weight was fine and so was my height. I could run and do almost everything,except impressing people. The guys didn’t have a crush on me and the girls thought I was ugly,I was the last one to be selected for the sports teams. So finally I gave up. I gave up and started binge eating. I decided that I was too abnormal to function and I deserved this. I even started starving myself and exercising too much until my mother saw the change. She asked me all about it and made me realize that size really doesn’t matter. Now I’m eighteen and still not skinny,a size 8, and happy. I’m confident about myself and I know I’m healthy and beautiful,and that is all that matters.
Recently I was reading about ‘ugliest woman on earth’. One of them is anorexic. You know why? Because when she was 12,somebody called her ‘too fat to exist’,and since then she became bulimic. One small comment spoiled this woman’s entire life. She can never be okay,she can never truly live. I find it sad to see young girls worrying about their weight and young men wanting to have six pack abs. Wasn’t childhood the period of innocence when all we cared about was what to play and eat?
Advertising and media too play a major role in the setting up of this mindset. Ads have only airbrushed photo shopped size 0 models,men with perfect abs and jawlines and when we look at them and compare,we realize we look different. And looking like that is what is important.
So what is body image? ‘Body image is the picture we have of our bodies at rest or in motion at any moment. It is from internal sensations,postural changes,contact with outside objects and people,and our emotional experiences and fantasies’ (Freedman 1998, Salkin 1973). According to Hutchinson (1985), body image includes feelings,attitudes, and beliefs about our bodies. Basically,body image is what we think of ourselves and what image of self we have in our minds. The way we look at ourselves.
We start to develop a sense of self and self identity in early childhood. These are the first moments of developing self image. However,the initially formed body image is subject to further modification.
Our body satisfaction relates strongly to our self esteem. The society has formed some unwritten norms about the way a person should look,what is ‘attractive’ and what is ‘ugly’.
Symmetrical features,silky voluminous hair,long neck,busty and voluptuous or totally skinny girls are what media projects to be beautiful. All the airbrushed models have been known to give complex to young and old women alike. One in four adolescent girls have admitted that they’re on a diet. Even young men,tall dusky handsome and strong groomed men is what the media shows and what every male wants to look like. However,these pressures are mostly linked to depression in case of women because of the constant ‘need to look ‘sexy’. While this image of perfection is portrayed by the media,we as the citizens of the society feel the need to conform to it and every time we see ourselves in the mirror,all we see is our imperfections staring back at us. We think we are too fat,too dark,too short or anything that is not what we see on the billboards. This decreases our confidence.
We keep buying products to be fairer,to be thinner,to be taller and look like what the society wants us to look like. We buy diet food,we starve ourselves and be dissatisfied forever. There is no perfect look. This is a vicious cycle. Once we enter the circle of self loathing,we can never love ourselves enough. We never will. And one day we will die. We will die thinking we were not perfect.
We are unable to love ourselves because we think nobody can love us. This need to look just like what society thinks is likeable. This mentality needs to change.
The link between body image and self esteem is simple,we look at ourselves and are always critical. We never look like the models because the models themselves don’t look like that. We have set unattainable standards of beauty as ideal and when we fail to achieve that,a feeling of worthlessness starts to set in.
It is this direct relation that so many suicides and cases of anorexia and bulimia come up. As long as we are physically fit,it is what’s on the inside that matters.
So let’s all join hands and together as a community learn to accept diversity in true form. Let’s stop body shaming others and realize their internal struggles. Let’s live and let live.

Ramblings of a confused woman

Have you ever felt useless? Like you’re worth nothing? That you’re ugly and not even smart? I have. I think all of us have that one point in life where we are too afraid to do something new but too tired of the monotony. And I’m on that threshold right now. So when I say I understand, trust me,I do.
I have finished one year of college and if you ask me what I have learned,I can say for sure that I haven’t learned anything that will make me feel better about my existence. I want a job but I don’t want to look for it,I want to read but I can’t. It is frustrating. I am nineteen now and if you ask me about what I have achieved,I won’t be able to say anything.
But are certificated things are the only things that matter? In practical life yes. But what about inner satisfaction? I don’t know.
I don’t feel beautiful enough because I’m insecure about myself. And why is that? Because I don’t believe I have met the societal standards of beauty. This is sad. Sad that so many women feel too fat,too thin,too dark or too ugly. It is sad because so many people die thinking that they’re not good enough.
People die thinking they’re not good enough for a particular job,or not smart enough because they didn’t get good marks. We are so pressurized to believe that some things are normal and some are abnormal.
Who set this standard? What if I don’t want to comply? What if I want to be fat and yet called beautiful? What if I want to be a mediocre student and lead a middle class life and be kind to others? What if I want to dress up everyday like my life is a party?  I cannot because I allow an outer world to dictate my life.
So stop feeling like you owe an explanation to the world about what you are. Love yourself. Be happy. Be healthy. Of course this post leaves so many things open ended and no conclusion and zero writing skills,but let’s just think about these points in solace.
And if you want to talk,I’m here. 😀

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